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If a girl was interested in you right now but she just cant get you to notice how would you want her to tell you ?
text message… classy…
When I was young, I knew a girl. She and I were the best of friends. I let her see me, and she let me see her, and to this day, no one has understood me, the concept of me, in the way that she had. We were together. We fought. We were seperated. We were to learn that the reason for our seperation, and fight, was completely invalid, and that our arguement was essentially a big miscommunication over a very little thing. So we reconciled.
And then, this girl made it clear to me that our former interest in each other had blossomed in her, into something that she was ready to make real. She wrote down her thoughts and honestly and openly bared her soul, waiting for my reply.
She knew something that I didn’t know. She knew a lot of things that I didn’t know. I thought so much in high school that I had the right idea. That I was too young to know what love was, that I should concentrate on school and having fun, and leave jobs and career issues for later in life, and serious relationships for people who were much more in touch with themselves. That somehow, placing myself in a safe position was the best thing for me.
I constructed, and lived in, and have lived in a world where safety and comfort have stifled experience. And i am angry, and hurt, and disappointed in myself, and all the years i bought my own bull, and never reached out, and talked to someone, a mentor, a friend anyone. I am the casualty of my own timidity and introversion.
Today i read the last letter the girl had ever written me, and i reeled against myself with disgust.
I am an imbicil with a paintbrush, who paints what he wants people to see, and then shows others the painting rather than facing them; i have painted lies.
I was not smart, or well-adjusted, or blessed with wisdom or foresight, or kind, or warm for spurning the honest and open invitation of a wonderful girl. I was a coward. I am a coward still.
Have you made any new friends or acquaintances?
yup. plenty. namely this maracotta chick.
i miss you
i mean, i would say that i miss you… but i dont know who… oh shoot…
yeah i miss you.
I wish I had it. I know the in’s and out’s of what I’m supposed to say, and think. I know that I’m supposed to love God, and love people, and trust that ‘my path will be revealed to me in good time, while i progress in faith and move forward in obedience’.
I don’t feel that.
And I know I’m not supposed to say that. And I’m supposed to place importance on what i know, and not be overly attentive to feelings, as they are fleeting, and able to be manipulated by a variety of things.
But this constant meta-cognitive battle is stripping my joy and making me retreat inside of myself again. and i hate it. i sleep as long as I can just so i dont have to wake up. because ive been thinking,
about what ive been thinking
about what ive been thinking,
and im thinking
its driving me crazy.
The more i grow, the more i know the little i know.
Im looking for answers.
by someone who cares about me more than i know :)
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